I USED TO KNOW HER

Regaining self identity after having children.

Let's be honest, parenting is ....HARD! When you dream about one day becoming a parent you read all of the books and blogs about how to be the best mom you can be. You learn how to best take care of your baby, what to feed them, and how to make sure they're hitting all of the milestones from pre-birth all the way to adolescence. But what you don't learn is that it's hard, you lose yourself, you put everyone's needs before your own, and at times you feel unraveled.

Loss of Dreams & Aspirations

Someone ask me what dreams did I have for myself. I remember looking at them and drawing a complete blank. After years of pouring every ounce of my being into my kids and husband, I had lost my own sense of self. The dreams and goals I had all pertained to my family. I hadn't thought of what I was working towards in life or wanted for myself. If this is you, stop now and grab a pen and paper.

Make a list of dreams that you have for yourself only. This list does not consist of the goals you have as the role of mom or wife, but for you as an individual.

A One Woman Band

After becoming a mom at some point I thought I was supposed to do it all. I was supposed to wear a thousand hats to make everyone else's life easier. I was supposed to be the one to get up early and stay up late. This is what a "good mother is supposed to do". Yea, well being the solo majorette orchestrating everyone's lives every day was exhausting! A family is a unit where everyone works together, sharing responsibilities and supporting one another.

Relieve yourself of some of the "good mom" hats. A good mom takes care of her family. It doesn't mean you have to do it all. Matter fact, a good parenting skill is teaching your children how to be independent and take up responsibility. Allowing your kids ( and husband) to take part in some of the chores and household duties is a great way to exhibit how the family is a team, and a team works together to get things done.

Putting Everyone's Needs Before Your Own.

As an avid fitness enthusiast, I loved working out. Once I had my first child and then 17 months later had the second, working out was far from my mind. I eventually began to wake up at 5am to run outside before my husband left for work. Not only was it dark outside at that time, but it was freezing cold (because of course I started in the Winter, eh). This lasted for a while but eventually I was tired of getting spooked by every little rustle of wind and was depleted of all energy by 12pm. Maybe your thing isn't working out. Perhaps it's reading or painting. The reality is, we get busy with being a mom and put our needs on the back burner.

Carve out time to do things that bring you joy and fulfillment. They say, 'happy spouse, happy house'. Don't forget that while you're trying to make sure everyone is taken care of that you are included as well. Prioritize activities and time for you to express yourself whether it be through a hobby, time with friends, or going to the gym.

Unraveled.

I can remember being a calm person that was easy going and went with the flow. With each child came greater demand for my attention. the house got messier faster, and it felt like chaos was all around. My response to the changes was to regain as much control as I could. I was trying to control every single aspect of every. single. thing. I would suppress my feelings and not say anything to anyone. The combination of exhaustion, being overworked, and chaos eventually led to a volcanic eruption. Author Minna Dubin would label this as 'Mom Rage'. The idea that as a mom we're trying to do it all by ourselves, have our hands in a thousand boiling pots, and eventually one of the pots will boil over and lead to an outburst. One of the kids doesn't pick up their backpack from the middle of the floor -- I'm unraveled. My husband asks me wash his work uniform on Monday rather than the normal Tuesday -- unraveled. Someone honks the horn at me in traffic -- unraveled! A rich recipe of disaster all because I have the do it all mentality and forget the simple aspect of communication.

Communicate your needs. Prioritize your wellbeing. We live in a time where the instability of mental health is at an all time high. A mother that begins to feel on edge and easily triggered is compromising her mental health and well being for striving to be a gentle, quiet, take care of it all "good mom". In order to be the true you, it's imperative to communicate your needs to your partner, friends, and/or family. Your spouse may see you, but he also has his own responsibilities and challenges that he is facing. Having open communication, especially in a relationship, relinquishes one person from carrying the load alone. As a family unit, you're all in it together, supporting one another, and encouraging one another.

Momma, take back your smile. Part of being healthy is taking time just for you. Reclaim the beautiful qualities of your personality that may have gotten lost since motherhood birthed. You deserve it!